I just want you to leave me alone.
A year ago, I was on a bus on a seven-hour road trip with six men and one woman other than myself going somewhere in Nigeria. I habitually wear my headset and tune out any conversations during trips because I like living in the world in my head (It’s not always pretty in there, but it’s better than reality). For some reason, I can’t remember. I removed my headset about halfway through the trip and couldn’t believe my ears.
A conversation had kickstarted based on a story on a radio show about a woman who had taken her estranged husband to court because he didn’t pay child support, and he was now facing a possible prison sentence for violation of a court order. Of the six men in the car, not one man took the side of the woman who was left to raise four kids independently without financial support. They went on and on about how she must sacrifice, discouraging divorce and justifying the man being a deadbeat; I wanted to yank out my ear in frustration. I am sure the man beside me saw my murderous side eyes.
Do you know what makes this even crazier? A few moments later, one of them began to talk about how much better it is to have female offspring because “they are the ones who will take care of you when you are old.”
*internal screaming in disbelief*
Are these Men for real? Is that what a woman is to them? A tool to be used whichever way they please? I don’t know much about men from other cultures, but the average Nigerian man is misogynistic (benevolent or not), and I find it absolutely disgusting!
When I got home that day, I told my dad the story of the men on the bus and how upset I was. He asked me, “Are you a feminist?”
A victim-in-waiting
I saw FairPlay on Netflix for a while back. If you haven’t seen it, then my rant is about to be a sea of spoilers (sorry, not sorry). In the movie, Emily and Luke are analysts at an investment company. They are in a relationship (breaking company policy, by the way), and they get engaged. The next day, someone is fired, and Emily overhears her senior colleagues saying Luke is most likely to be promoted into the role, so she tells him. You can see in her eyes that she is a bit jealous, but she is still happy for him and supportive. Late at night, she gets a call to meet her boss somewhere, and it turns out she is meeting the CEO; she has been promoted. And guess what? Everything goes to shits from there.
I can’t even begin to unpack how horrible Luke was. First, he started by attacking her clothes and sense of style, then her competence and ability to do the job — chipping at her sense of self and wearing her down. Imagine the person who is supposed to love you the most in the world saying such awful things till you begin to doubt every decision.
Then, he levels up by insinuating that she got the job by sleeping her way to the top. I know it is a movie, but movies mirror reality, no? Then, he humiliates and embarrasses her in front of her family and the company. Was she flawless? Far from it, she had her shortcomings, but for someone he claimed to love, Luke was out to ruin her the minute she got promoted instead of him.
I saw a thread where men were talking about the movie, saying they would kickstart their house-husband plans if their wives got promoted over them, and I scoffed at the dishonesty. Most men think they can handle living with an ambitious woman, but the reality is very different.
Every day, there is news of women from all cadres of society being harmed by men, especially the ones around them. Most recently, there’s the Ugandan Olympian, killed by her ex-boyfriend, the French woman in her 70s whose husband drugged her for ten years and invited men to sexually assault her, the university student who was raped and killed by a male friend, the 15-year-old boy who sneaks into a house to rape a 14-year-old girl and the stories go on forever.
The World Health Organisation had previously estimated that about 1 in 3 women worldwide have been subjected to either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime. Let’s not forget that violence against women is generally under-reported for many reasons, i.e., fear of retaliation, stigma, etc.
Being a successful woman doesn’t insulate you or save you from this. It puts a different kind of target on your back. As long as you have a vagina, you a just a victim waiting to happen.
Misandry vs. Misogyny
Misogyny, hatred or prejudice against women, typically exhibited by men. It is generally accepted that misogyny is a consequence of patriarchy (male-dominated society).
vs.
Misandry, hatred, dislike, or mistrust of men.
In a conversation with a group of friends, one of my female friends said, “Men hate Women.” The men in the room were upset and ticked off by her assertion, but that doesn’t make it less true. While this is a blanket, deterministic statement, it is the reality/experience, at least for most women I know. Just because they might be the exception from the ones who perpetuate the violent acts against women doesn’t invalidate the existence of male cruelty.
This is how I often explain the statement: “Most men don’t truly regard women as human, and as such, they don’t see us as equals. It may be subconscious, but they don’t see women as anything more than objects of affection (if they like them). Once women do not conform to their standard of likeability, they hate us and make sure that we know it by committing the most violent acts against us.”
People say femicide is a myth, but every day, we read and hear news of female victims of violent actions of men due to a bruised male ego and the need to assert their masculinity (Yet women are the emotional ones, **scoffs). Are there women who rape? Yes!
Objectify men? Yes.
Women who don’t handle rejection respectably? Yes.
But compared to men, how many resort to the violent, vindictive acts that we see daily?
I have heard arguments like “If women were as strong as men physically, they would probably be as violent, too.” But that is beside the point, and it derails the conversation and mudding up the waters for women who currently exist and are victims of this reality. So don’t be stupid and keep your whataboutism in your pocket.
Every single time the conversation of misogyny and violence against women comes up, there is a man somewhere deliberately trying to mangle the conversation- reducing it to a simplistic discussion of who will do the dishes. After an hour of that, they suddenly remember that men are harmed by women, too.
Real women are hurt and traumatized every day. To date, I rarely ever take a bus with many men on it. A collection of men standing on the road freaks me out, and I always briskly walk past. I never go to the market without a male companion because I don’t want to be harassed by unsolicited physical contact — I do all this to avoid problems. So many women do much more to protect themselves, but it almost makes no difference.
Now, I would like to say this, even though I think it’s silly for me to have to say it. But, No thinking woman on earth thinks ALL men with NO EXCEPTION are bad. So when women complain about evils done to them, resist the urge to retort with “NOT ALL MEN” (apart from the fact no one gives a fuck), we know it isn’t ALL MEN.
As a man, the most you can get from a woman who hates you is denial. As a woman, you are at risk of being insulted, assaulted, raped, or worse killed.
Gender-based violence is prevalent in a way that there is a major perpetrator and a primary victim. Trying to act differently is disingenuous at best.
Ok, quick Joke:
Misogyny and Misandry walk into a bar.
Misandry says, “You have oppressed, insulted, harmed, and killed me and people who like me for h̶u̶n̶d̶r̶e̶d̶s̶ thousands of years, and now I distrust and hate anyone who looks like you and want you to leave us alone.”
Misogyny says, “Hey, we have been told all our lives that you are beneath us, and so we are not the same. Your constant desire to be regarded & treated as equal is infuriating. We hate you for it, and you must be put down.”
Misandry takes a sip of her drink, looks into the skies, and says, “Now tell me, who is the truly dangerous one?”
Not so funny, is it?
Are you a feminist?
I was genuinely perplexed when my dad asked if I was a feminist. So I asked him, “Did you raise me not to be one?”
It occurred to me that my parents never consciously tried to instil feminism’s tenets into me. They loved me as much as they knew how to and taught me to love myself. I was raised to go after whatever I wanted and speak up when I needed to, to treasure myself and my body. My outspoken nature wasn’t always supported, but I am grateful it wasn’t totally repressed either.
I guess he asked because he had been socialized to associate the word feminism with Misandry. When I was much younger, I held that belief too. I used to deny being a feminist; I didn’t want to be associated with the label because I was told that those people were bitter and angry. I shunned the label because I wanted to seem more agreeable to the very bane of my existence.
Like Yaltha said in the Book of Longings, “It isn’t meekness I need, it’s anger…” I am an adult now and must do away with childish things.
I grew up in a sheltered environment where I always felt and was treated equally. Despite this sheltering, I wasn’t spared the misery of male violations, and for the longest time, I always wondered, “What I was doing wrong?” What made me so different that I was subject to such horrifying experiences? As I talked to other people and heard similar stories, I found the pattern— we were all born with vaginas. I got angrier at the injustice women have to live with as a consequence of daring to be born female.
As I age, the more the so-called Misandry becomes justifiable to me. When you have experienced certain acts that violate your agency and autonomy simply because you are a woman, you grow to hate your oppressor and anything that seems like it.
I try not to carry hate and bitterness within me. All I have is anger and fear — Anger at how the world is warped against women and fear that I might be a victim again one day.
These days, I ask myself, what can we do? How can we stop this? Aren’t we screaming loud enough? Aren’t we making enough noise, educating enough, sharing, and asking to be treated as humans, as equals?
Time and time again, history seems to show that the only way to stop violence is even greater violence or actual consequences that are as grievous as the violence in a controlled environment, i.e., laws and judgments. Does this mean we have to resort to an even greater and more gruesome evil before we get heard? ( I should hope not)
If you are a male reading this and are wondering what you can do to help, I will try to be nice and tell you.
- Be a decent human and remember that women are human equal to you (it is the barest minimum)
- Respect a woman when she says No- it’s a complete sentence. No explanation is necessary.
- Caution/talk to the men around you when they say questionable things or make crude comments and harmful jokes. Indoctrination to red pill content usually starts when they are young. Guide and teach younger boys about a decent way to live and view women.
- Keep your unsolicited advice to yourself. Do not tell us to dress conservatively, be more modest, avoid certain places, or learn Krav Maga and Brazilian jujitsu. It is reductive and shifts the blame to the victim.
- Don’t harbour or cover perpetrators, call them out, report them to the authorities and let them face the full consequences of their actions. No matter who they are.
In the past, I would advocate for both genders; men also have their struggles. I called myself a “humanist” instead. I still believe in it, but I don’t wear the label. I think especially children (male or female) should be protected at all costs.
But now I have picked my battles, armour and uniform. Everything cannot matter, and everything cannot be a problem I should care about. I know my capacity, and I know where my priorities are. I spend my energy wisely, and I choose women. Let men fight their battles.
So, yes! I am a Feminist!
And all I want is for women to be free.
All I want is for you to leave us alone.
If you want to know why I am angry, you can read more here (not that it matters):
