I like you, but I like me more.

It's a hot afternoon in Lagos, Nigeria, and I am lying on my bed while the sunlight is fighting to sneak in because I have all the windows shut and curtains drawn. The AC is 21 degrees, and I am listening to Omah Lay’s Boy Alone Album; I couldn’t relate more than I do right now.

Right now, I am angry typing. Why am I angry? You ask. Well, I don’t know. I have a lot of pent-up emotions I haven’t identified and acknowledged. When I get like this, my default and surface-level emotion is anger. I know I am not really angry, but that’s the easiest one for me to handle right now, so I bask in it. To be honest, I don’t know why I am writing this piece. But I know that writing helps me deal (Why pay for a therapist when you can overshare with the world, am I right?) This is one of those self-absorbed long-form texts that tell you nothing except for some of the things I think about. It’s an introduction to my intrusive thoughts.

When I am like this, I get very self-absorbed and wallow. Yeah, it’s easy to wallow. Misery loves company; it loves to grow, amplify and infect everyone else. But misery is unproductive (well, except it is your muse, you know, the sadistic artiste trope)

If you are wondering what this essay is about, it's about Selfishness.

I think that, as humans, we are innately selfish. I am sure that it's encoded somewhere in our DNA. Call me cynical, but I don’t think Altruism is genuinely and entirely altruistic. In my opinion, once you get any good feeling out of whatever you are doing, you are doing it for yourself, amongst other things. Humans are multi-dimensional. So, I think it’s okay to do good things because it makes you feel good. It isn’t reductive to your ‘goodness.’ (you are welcome to have an argument with me about this, but it has to be in person, *blows raspberry* catch me if you can)

10th April 2022. Auberge de Grand-Popo.

I’m a Mess

I live with a chronic illness. According to the doctors, I am never getting healed, but life can get better if I make some lifestyle adjustments and maintain healthy habits.

For a long time, it seemed like I would never get better. Every day I got worse with something terrible happening that impacted my ability to function or live normally. At that time, I had a partner whom I loved dearly. I felt sad and guilty about him always having to see me suffer while he just watched powerlessly.

Several times, I thought of letting him go so he didn’t have to deal with my pain, the hospitals, the impact on our sex life, finances, and my mental health. I felt that letting him go was the kindest thing I had to do for him because no one should have to watch the person they love go through so much pain. But I didn’t. Why? Because I am inherently selfish.

While I felt sad and guilty, I was also scared of being alone. The thought of not having someone to hold me and tell me it would be okay on the days when all I could see was my horrifying despair was mind-numbingly scary. I did care that he was in pain too, but invariably, mine was more.

I would love to have a life partner someday, but when I think of all the possibilities of things that could go wrong with me (health-wise), I wonder if it's a good idea to bring someone into that life knowingly. I have the same line of thoughts for kids too. My illness(es) is genetic. This means I have a high chance of passing this on to my kids, who must live with it. But that hasn’t stopped me from wanting kids. I have only hesitated a little (not knowing why I want them in the first place. But that's a conversation for another time).

Chronic illnesses put a strain on relationships. All kinds of relationships. But the people who get the short end of the stick the most are our loved ones. You wonder when they will break and decide they have had enough and can’t deal with it anymore. There are already a million and one things that end relationships. Add this to the mix, and you have on helluva of a Molotov-fuckin-cocktail (kids, cover your eyes)

I don’t want pity, by the way. I am doing okay, apart from being one terrible decision/mistake away from having a shitty week; everything is just dandy (inserts passive-aggressive smiling emoji). I am not writing this because I want to be pitied. I am writing this because I feel the need to tell some part of the story of people who live with some chronic illness.

10th April 2022. Although it doesn’t look like it, on this day, I was suffering, and as a result, I was unkind to many people.

The hierarchy of suffering.

Sometimes, I think about a person with heart disease or liver failure who needs a transplant. What do they wish or pray for? That someone else dies so they can live? Because if they did. That would be selfish, but then they are suffering too.

Everyone thinks their pain is the worst. I once saw a movie where A Jew and an African American tried to argue about who had the worst suffering. Yes, they tried to argue about whose suffering was the worst — Holocaust or Slavery. I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears, and yes, I am talking about You People on Netflix (Bombastic side-eye).

But for a minute, I considered it, whose suffering was worse. And it made me see how we can only view the world from our coloured lenses. No matter how hard we try to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, it's still not yours. You neither know how it fits or stings. And this is why I can’t hate anyone for their selfishness; it is who we are. For me, I wish they instead owned it and were honest about it.

How do we live in a society where everyone is so self-centered? Well, that's where religion, rules, laws, morality, philosophy, principles, and KINDNESS come in.

I grew up religious, but I abandoned that a while back. However, I recognize its negative and positive impacts on society and how it birthed morality, the law, and rules that allow for a civil society. Without it, you will be surprised at how much chaos the world can descend into; how much evil the human mind is capable of.

Granted, the rules and law also bind me, but more than that, I live by my principles and philosophy (Strangely enough, much of it is drawn from Christian teachings). Despite all of it, the fear of abandonment, loneliness, and the lifelong possibility of pain bouts, I choose to see the beauty of this world in other things. I choose kindness as my guiding light (whatever that means to me).

I choose to channel my love for humanity, no matter how little. I try my best every day to approach everything I do with kindness because the alternative is to be a bitter, nasty brat (and trust me, I am very cable of being one). I do it also because the world needs a lot of it- kindness. I can’t promise you that I have always been my kindest, so I don’t think I have a moral high ground here. But I can say that I try.

I am writing this as a self-reminder that I deserve every form of happiness, too, and if push comes to shove, I will choose myself. But I will try hard so that when I do, it is not detrimental to the world. If the world chooses itself too, I won’t hate them because it is who we are- selfish little pricks (cover your ears again, kids. Gosh, I really can’t stop swearing). And that is okay because I do like you; I just like me more.

What can I say? It's a fucking Paradox! (Shrugs and drops mic rather dramatically)