I think I am going to be bad.
I know you probably read the title and opened this link enthusiastically, thinking, “Ouuuhhh, this is going to be spicy” I promise you it's not. But, You probably don’t believe me, so you will keep reading. That’s what I want anyways. It might not be what you were expecting, but It might just be worth your time.
Now, I have always been obsessed with doing the right thing. I hate making mistakes, but what I hate more is making the same mistake twice.
During conversations, I think very intently about what I am about to say before I say it. After discussions with people, I always think about it and evaluate everything I said (well, that’s an exaggeration, but let's say as much as I remember, yeah?). I replay the conversations in my head and think about how I could have done better. Sometimes I find myself going back to apologize for my speech even when I am not sure they were offended in the first place. Err on the side of caution, eh?
I don’t know what it means to be a teacher’s pet, but growing up, I was always one of the best (if not the best), so one way or another, I ended up being one. And that made me even want to do the right things so more. The right thing here being getting good grades.
And for all my obsession with doing all the right things and making all the right decisions, I handle regret quite well. I don’t berate myself about the past. I think, “Oh, I should have done better.” Then I learn my lessons and move on. But doing this has also made me put the need of others before my wants and desires a lot of times. And while sacrifices are not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes you end up losing yourself in the process.
I have lived all my life in a way that has earned me the nickname Miss two goody shoes. At a young age, I thought if I did all the right things, carefully made all the right choices, said all the right things, and had the humility to fix my mistakes even when I made them, my life would be great. Don’t get me wrong; I made mistakes. I used to have angry outbursts and say harsh things to people in the name of being blunt. But I worked hard to make sure I outgrew those behaviors.
However, growing up is finding out that it does not always work that way. For example, a person who has never smoked wakes up one day and has lung cancer. And somewhere in another room sits Mr. Chimney, who has been smoking all his life and is healthy as a horse.
Like how is that even fair? How???!!!! But that is life. I am finally accepting that things will always go wrong. In fact, what can go wrong will go wrong.
When the success of a thing is determined by another party but yourself, the chances of success go from 100% to 50%. With both of you bearing at least 50% responsibility. I know this is shit maths and even shit probability calculations, but you get what I am trying to say.
Suppose the success of a thing was dependent on four people. The win is split into 25% in four ways. This means that if you fully believe that this will work and yet there are three other people required for the success of that thing, your best chance of success is still 25%.
Now, imagine this wonky logic for many other variables in the world. Say your promotion, which will depend on your dedication and hard work, of course, but also your line manager, team manager, department head, COO, and economic market forces; when you think about this, bruh! What are your chances of success?
In summary, I am thinking of being bad this year. Miss two goody shoes has had a field time. We are going to give her some rest.
Don’t get worried about me; I am not about to ruin my life. Trust me; It’s going to be hard fighting all my programming, habits, lifestyle, and religious background. It will be difficult to go for things without overanalyzing everything and turning things over its head.
Recently, I have had things I thought would turn out great go very badly despite trying so hard to make all the right decisions and do all the right things.
So now, I think it’s okay to try some things without overly thinking about them. Maybe it’s time to follow my fleeting feelings and see where they lead me. Perhaps I don’t roll out my mental excel sheet calculating everything for a while, weighing the pros and cons.
Maybe this time, I don’t start every interaction with the end in mind (cos the future is an illusion anyways) and will go with the flow. Maybe, I don’t calculate the chances of success of every single thing because there are always variables I can’t see coming, and as I like to say, “with the introduction of every new variable comes a new source of conflict….”
The thing is, even with all my goodness, some things I wanted to go right have all gone wrong for me. And now I wonder, “ugh, why bother?”. If it’s still going to go wrong anyways. As someone said, “control is an illusion”.
So, for now, I have decided I will be bad.
Ps: these are personal essays. I am just sharing what goes on in the chaos that is my mind. It is not life advice; it is a stream of consciousness. It simply flows
