Love, Lights and Prisms of Change
On love, growth and breaking points.
I don’t know what exactly prompted me to start writing this, but I guess I felt like I had something to say or, in this case — write.
You see, I am acutely aware of myself (maybe a little too aware), and I may struggle to see or understand other people. But myself? I know and understand. And in the words of the great Sir Kendrick Lameth, chapter United in Grief in the book of Mr Morales and the Big Steppers, “I’ve been going through something, One thousand eight hundred and fifty-five days, I’ve been going through something…”
(To be fair, I am always going through something, but that’s not the point here)
For as long as I can remember, I have been uptight. I approached life with a lot of calculatedness. Everything was a mathematical equation to me, which meant that if I played by the rules, I would get the right and expected outcome. This is also how I have always approached my human connection.
Human connections as defined by Keyu are Family, Friends and Lover.
I always had a list, checkboxes if you will, and as long as the people I met fit those criteria, they were allowed to remain in my life in the capacity in which I wanted them to.
With time, it didn’t need to be a deliberate, calculated effort; it had become natural for me. I do not think this is necessarily a bad thing, and I still think it is a formula that works. But as I age, I realize this simplistic approach doesn’t always hold because humans are complex creatures.
On December 17, 2024, I wrote this in my diary.
When do you break
I wonder if people know their breaking point. What can be done to them that breaks them? (I mean apart from physical torture)
There’s a part of me that I consider untouchable. It sits at the centre, the core of who I am. It is the one place in me where I do not allow anyone. No one goes there, no one touches it. It is sacred, an altar of me, Keyukemi.
Every once in a blue moon, someone manages to touch that side of me. No one who does ever returns. I have a viscerally violent and expelling reaction to anyone who tries to touch her because that is where I keep the core of who I am. That is where I keep the Keyu that prevents me from falling apart when everything else goes to shit. If you want to break me, that is part of me you should touch.
Someone touched that part of me and I don’t know how I am going to deal with this if I don’t follow my base instincts and reaction. I have tried to rationalize, to understand and to love my way out of it but that Me supersedes everything else. The damage is too strong, the perpetrator quite precious and the victim much more invaluable.
Someone had just done something to me that I believed touched a place that was supposedly untouchable in me. As the days began to pass, I realized that what I considered to be my core had evolved past that and grown differently—into something much more beautiful but just as fragile.
Does this mean that this sacred part of me is gone and boundaries no longer exist? Not necessarily. It just means that there are certain people in my life who are beyond that and more important than that place in myself.
In many ways, this scares me, ngl. I have always considered myself self-sufficient and unbreakable. But I have since learned that this is arrogance—my pride and my ego. I also needed others to love me when I forgot how to love myself and believe me when all faith in myself was dead.
I think about how much vulnerability, openness, and the stripping of self this requires. Accommodating this kind of love and affection for and from other people leaves you defenceless and at their mercy if things get awry.
I ask myself, where does it end? Where does this Love stop and the protection of self begin? To what extent am I supposed to allow hurt from these kinds of people in the name of love and understanding? And to be honest with you, I don’t have the answer to this yet.
When I finally had time to sit with my thoughts at the beginning of the year, I started to reevaluate what I hold on to at my core and what is most vital when building connections with people. I have found that what I seek out the most is Kindness, Tenderness, and Warmth. Odd, right? For a self-professed hard girl like me. I guess those days are over, and I have to resign from that club.
As the days go by, I realize that what I want the most from my human connection is kindness in every way—in our thoughts, speech, and actions. Even when they are upset about something, I would like to receive grace and tenderness in that moment, especially knowing that the pain they feel wasn’t a result of a deliberate attempt to hurt on my part but simply a by-product. I want to always feel warmth in their presence and the memories we share when they are physically absent.
“What is the cost of really knowing?
Creating in a space no longer safe
Constantly giving, always owing.
Do you see me I’m no waterfall,
flowing an eternal source for your devotion.
Can I drink my own cup”
- Ruti in Train by Show Dem Camp, The Cavemen and Nsikak.
But I know that I can’t impose these burdens of expectation of kindness and tenderness on everyone in my life. Some are genuinely incapable of it, and it is no fault of theirs. But I can protect myself and my peace by letting go of connections that do not offer me the kind of expectations that I seek.
I guess to answer my question earlier? This is where I draw the line — when I am no longer at peace.
It seems like a tall order, I know. But I don’t just want to be a recipient of these things; I also want to be that person. (Is this a by-product of old age? Am I finally becoming mature? Yikes! Congratulations to the world, I suppose.)
Does this mean that I am less judgy? Au contraire, I am even more judging. I judge, perceive, evaluate, and make distinctions — Call me Judge Judy. I also think many more people need to be judging themselves and their actions and words.
There is so much cruelty and unkindness in the world. There is an obsession with holding on to the ideals and ideas of the past—an excuse to show a lot of cruelty to the people who are the living embodiments of these changes.
I get it. People fear what they do not understand. They fear what is new. But for a species supposedly so intelligent, we can be pretty dumb. The most prominent argument against accepting change is upholding what has always been. However, culture is dynamic, and the rules and laws were created by people who couldn’t envision today’s world.
I love choir music; each part is different and distinct, and when you listen to each individually, it may sound awful or like gibberish, but when you put it all together, it makes something beautiful. Daily, I am becoming more cognisant of our differences as humans. There’s beauty in our differences. Variance creates colour; however, it can only be beautiful if you harmonize to form a symphony.
I like the expression Love and Light. White light is not a single colour but a combination of multiple colours. It consists of different wavelengths of light that, when combined, appear white to the human eye. When white light passes through a prism or water droplets (like in a rainbow), it separates into its component colours — red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet — forming the visible spectrum. This happens because each colour has a different wavelength and bends at a slightly different angle when passing through a medium. This is why I try to approach the world with curiosity despite my beliefs.
For a world seemingly so obsessed with different kinds of religious faiths, we exude and display so much cruelty and wickedness that it baffles me daily. You see I grew up Christian and while I don’t care much for the faith and religion of it as an adult. I still hold some of the teachings of Jesus in high regard.
Recently, I have had to think about those teachings more, especially in light of world events. Now, while I don’t think I have a moral high ground and can’t speak for other religions, I know this. If the Jesus described in scripture was alive today, he would be viscerally hated by the people who claim to follow him in today’s world. As a Christian, If you don’t understand what I mean or think I am reaching, I suggest you take some more time to read your scriptures.
But why do I bother, we never learn and history always repeats itself.
I don’t know about you, but I think about death a lot, and when they read my eulogy or tombstone, I want them to say
“She was a bad bitch and her life was wonderful because she made it so and it was full of love because she was full of love. She respected and honoured every life, she spoke the truth in love and she was humble enough to accept her faults”
I know, I know, I’ll be dead, and no one cares what I want. But I guess I will still be controlling even in the grave.
Now, to my friends & family, I have told you what to write on my tombstone. Take notes, I will let you guys know in my will if that changes.
Wait!
TF??!!,
Why am I talking about death in this essay? What is wrong with me?
Sigh
🖤 & 💡
Keyukemi.
